Dr. Nanette's Journey of Caregiving
A blog for those who love and care for their mentally ill loved ones.
Tuesday, November 21, 2023
Book Awards
Monday, November 20, 2023
Let's Spread the Word I'm a Caregiver for My Mentally Ill Loved One
Most of us who care about and look after our mentally ill loved ones do so in obscurity and silence. Why share the burden of this roller-coaster journey you’re on? Why let anyone know, much less admit to yourself, that this is one tough job? During a recent episode with my son, I often felt as lost as he was as I struggled alone to cope with his disturbing behavior.
Being there for my dual-diagnosis son, Michael, during a recent homeless period that lasted somewhat over a year turned out to be incredibly stressful. I was helpless to pull him out of either his mental disorder or bingeing behavior, and yet I felt so responsible, so very guilty. He had no fixed location, no place I could see him, even if I could drive out of town. My caregiving duties for my husband have kept me homebound.
His phone calls tortured me as he described the horrific conditions he was enduring on the streets. Hunger, cold, theft, and violence were everyday events. Mike discovered nothing was safe, neither a person nor a belonging. Even temporary drop-in shelters harbored dangerous people who attacked the vulnerable, stealing their property and beating them up. The police harassed him when he was sleeping in parks, under bushes, and inside doorways. No place was safe. Everything he owned, even his medicine, backpack, pillow, and food, had been stolen. My son was bereft of support and hope.
My finances allowed for only a few hotel nights, where he could get out of the cold, shower, and have a warm restaurant meal. But the costs ran up, and, unknown to me, Michael was using, surrounded by street people, most of whom were addicts as well. He found human connections sharing alcohol and drugs, but these substances exacerbated his mental health symptoms.
I watched from afar as my son slipped further and further into an untrustworthy person, lying to me about his activities. The hotel stays usually turned out to be “parties,” where addicts gathered, shared drugs, and generated unacceptable noise. In my guilty state, I capitulated to his constant demands for money, which I thought were for nourishing food and winter clothes, but in reality, I paid for drugs.
At one point, Michael became deathly ill at one of these “party” events. His street buddies vacated, leaving him gasping for breath. My intuition served me once again. When I couldn’t get him to answer my call, I called the motel’s front desk. Kathy, the sole staff, rushed to his room to check things out, took one look, called an ambulance, and 15 minutes later, he was rushed to the hospital. My son later reported he was diagnosed with pneumonia and had a fever of 105 degrees. It was too close a call.
After his hospital release and with my encouragement, Michael began looking for more permanent shelter, one that would assist him in his struggle with mental illness and addiction. After waiting for a case manager for months, he finally found a secure shelter and, with good behavior, was referred to a high-end shelter with programs for both mental health and street drugs.
Did I seek comfort for my agonies during the time my son was lost? At first, I endured. It will go away, I thought, as I tried to cope in my denial state. I felt ashamed that Mike had used me with his entreaties: “Can you give me a hand, Mom?” “I’m flat-out, Mom.” “Send some money right now.” I believed at the time it would all go away and my son could rise from his ashes and be normal again. But the stress did not stop, and I began my burn-out loop: stress, isolation, exhaustion, collapse. I found myself constantly fatigued and sporadically weeping. Where can I turn? Who can I trust to share my story?
Chatting with a friend one day, she talked about the “courage to change.” It was an offhand remark, and I asked her how she maintained her balance during a family crisis. She spoke further, offering ideas like “detachment” and “peace of mind.” Once I joined the Twelve-Step program, I began setting boundaries and learned to say “No” to his demands. That was my son’s cue to cut out the “parties” and seek both sobriety and more permanent shelter. I had been enabling him all along.
I am spreading the word, “I am a caregiver.” The words feel good and remind me that I have a responsibility, not only to love my son but also myself. I also confronted the fact that I am powerless over Michael’s addictions, and I must learn new ways of relating to him.
I am taking the advice of Archangels CEO Alexandra Drane, who offers suggestions about what caregivers can do to lighten their load. *
· Get credit for it. You can more readily navigate to resources when you acknowledge your caregiving role and practice self-compassion.
· Gain support from family and friends. Caregiving is work; recognizing this helps you contend with the stressors you feel as a caregiver.
· Have language for what you’re going through. Tell your story to as many people as possible. You will be surprised how many people respond with sympathy and understanding.
· Seek out supportive resources, such as a social worker or therapist. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) is a great starting place for information and support.
· Support other caregivers, “you give a lift, you get a lift,” Drane says. This helps you normalize your work and eliminates the stigma. “if you do something kind for someone, you feel better yourself.”
* “How Identifying yourself as a caregiver is the first step to tackling the stress of the job.” Marissa Brown. April 5, 2023.
http://www.carecom/c/recognizing-and-addressing-caregiver stress/?rx=email%7CSEEKER-newsletter%7C20230414-eMAIL-Seeker-All-Newslett...
Tuesday, October 10, 2023
Today is World Mental Health Day!
A message from The National Alliance on Mental Illness:
View directly here:
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Tuesday, September 19, 2023
Friday, August 25, 2023
Tips for Calming the Agitated Elder or Mentally Ill Loved One
Certain kinds of mental illness or dementia contribute to
agitation, sometimes leading to a crisis point. A loved one locked into a cycle
of disturbed behavior needs immediate intervention, but what kind of help can
the concerned caregiver offer?
Even before my son, Michael, had been diagnosed as bipolar
in his early twenties, I discovered helpful ways to calm down his stress. I
used the same approach for my sister, Sharon, who succumbed to schizophrenia at
age 27. When either loved one tended to perceive minor events as catastrophic,
I learned to shift into caregiving mode with these tips I can share with you. In
certain situations, a loved one may need to be hospitalized. This could require
a 911 call.
1.
Avoid confrontation. When
Michael felt cornered by parental controls, he lashed out in violent ways. My
husband and I learned to keep our cool during his outbursts.
2.
Lower your voice.
Speak firmly but soothingly and repeat a comforting phrase, “Don’t worry, Dear” or “I’m so sorry this
happened to you.” When Sharon became strident about a person, place, or thing,
I responded by keeping my voice modulated, which tended to lower her own.
3.
The human touch works
wonders if the agitated person allows you to reach out with a light pat on the
shoulder, upper back, or arm. It may be advisable to wait until the disturbed
person has settled down before attempting to touch them. After my late husband,
Jim, was confined to a wheelchair, I patted his shoulders and upper arms as I
took him outdoors for a stroll.
4.
Walking with the person as they
recite their issues and concerns. Arm in arm can work wonders for some
disturbed persons. Sharon enjoyed this sisterly comfort after she stabilized.
5.
Food can calm an agitated
loved one who may become disoriented by hunger. Mike always felt more like
himself after he ate a good meal.
6.
Distraction. Although
used less often, distraction can be a real winner for an agitated elder
who suffers from dementia. Jim’s dementia followed two severe heart attacks and
subsequent strokes, which rendered him depressed and confused. It was a joy to
see him shift abruptly from gloom to alertness when I brought out photos of the
children or grandchildren.
7.
Special Interests. Know
your loved one’s special interests and try to get your loved one to talk about
them. Sharon was an omnivorous reader before her initial breakdown. I could
sometimes remind her of those beloved classics, such as Jane Austen, that
brought a smile to her face.
8.
Medications. Once
you have the loved one’s attention, ask them if they’ve been taking their
medication regularly. This could be the source of their problematic behavior. I
learned to encourage, but never force, my loved one to resume medications and
therapy to assist them through a crisis.
9.
Heal Thyself. A
hidden gem for me as a caregiver was to pursue therapy to help resolve stress.
Interaction with or managing a loved one’s mental disturbance, even from a
phone call’s distance, can shake up the calmest person.
Wednesday, July 19, 2023
Village Books Event
In her latest book, a memoir, Raging Currents: Mental Illness and Family, Nanette J. Davis delivers a heartrending, personal story of three generations of mental illness.
Raging Currents shows a variety of causes and effects of mental illness in a mother’s addiction, a sister’s schizophrenia, and a son’s bipolar disease.
“We stand at a tipping point as our nation focuses greater attention on mental health,” says spokesperson for National Alliance for Mental Health, Darcy E. Gruttadaro.
The mental health crisis for youth and young adults has skyrocketed and we need to begin tackling this elephant in the room. And this is why this book matters. A retired Professor of Sociology, Dr. Davis expertly crafts an emotional and painful picture of living with disturbed loved ones. Their relentless roller-coaster behavior overwhelmed family members, who confronted the harsh reality of tragic outcomes. The book concludes with contemporary approaches to healing mental illness.
Starts: September 10, 2023
Time: 4:00 p.m.
Admission: Free!
Location: Village Books
1200 11th St, Bellingham, WA 98229
Saturday, July 1, 2023
Monday, April 24, 2023
NEW RELEASE: May 24th, 2023
Raging Currents: Mental Illness and Family
A Memoir
by Nanette J. Davis Ph.D.
The Writing Project
I hope others find your own writing or journaling to be a healing experience.
The memoir, "Raging Currents: Mental Illness and Family" is available on:
Book Baby: https://lnkd.in/gvmrD4Xu
Amazon: https://lnkd.in/gjbebfwc
Village Books: https://lnkd.in/g4aTJa9Z