Raging Currents: Mental Illness and Family
A Memoir
by Nanette J. Davis Ph.D.
A blog for those who love and care for their mentally ill loved ones.
Raging Currents: Mental Illness and Family
A Memoir
by Nanette J. Davis Ph.D.
About The Book:
A surprise sink-or-swim lesson at the tender age of nine
opens this gripping memoir of love, mental illness, and care giving. A swirling
narrative carries readers from pre-WWII Illinois to the infamous Oregon State
Mental Hospital of the 80s and forward along a harrowing chasm carved by
dysfunctional parents, inhumane social systems, and driven by Dr. Nanette
Davis’s powerful love for her mentally-ill sister and son. Raging Currents
spans mental health therapies from sedation and isolation, to twelve-step programs,
tough love, and modern neuroscience-driven treatments.
From the childhood of a strong-willed, fiercely
independent, and curious girl to the roles of supportive sister, wife, and
mother, Davis shares her life’s foundation, development, and endless devotion
to those she loves. Expertly weaving social norms in compelling prose, Davis
offers the wisdom and reflection of age through the clear-eyed recollections of
a trained sociologist. Her ever-increasing understanding of compassion is the
bedrock of this insightful and vulnerable telling. Raging Currents offers more
than an inspiring memoir: it provides practical advice and solace for modern
caregivers, friends, family, and people living with mental illness.
Keywords: bipolar disorder; compassion; family
caregiving; memoir; mental illness; schizophrenia; dual diagnosis
Free Preview:
Sharon!
Storming
through our Portland, Oregon home day and night, I knew my sister must leave.
Her insanity cut like a knife through our lives. Finally, I faced the phone
call I’d been dreading. Dad needed to keep his word, after our agreement for me
to bring Sharon from Chicago to my home, where he would take care of the rest:
fly up from California and take my sister home with him. Why was he stalling? I
left that message on his phone a week ago, and he still hasn’t returned the
call. Sharon was ready to go. I was ready to shove her out.
We
had made a deal. Dad proposed: “You told your Mom last Sunday, when you called,
that you plan to be at your sociology conference in Chicago. Why not bring
Sharon back with you after you finish? You’re the one who mentioned she’s too
alone there in the big city. Once she’s on the West Coast, I’ll fly up from San
Diego. It’s only a short hop away. You can do this for me. I’m too old now for
that long flight to Chicago, and Anne can’t travel that far either. She gets
too nauseated from flying.”
“Ok,
Dad, I’ll let you know when I have Sharon safely in my home,” I agreed as his
reassuring words murmured in my ears.
Now,
I’m trying to follow up on his promise to pick up my poor, deranged sister, as
he agreed. After about five minutes of inane phone conversation, he finally
blurted out: “I can’t take your sister. You know, Anne can’t be expected to
take care of Sharon in her elderly years. She’s been very involved with her
beloved granddaughter, who’s over here half the time. Sharon will be fine with
you and your family. You know, I’m not married to her mother.”
“What
are you saying, Dad? I’d barely moved to Portland, and you lay this assignment
at my door. I’m in the midst of trying to establish myself and the kids: new
city, demanding job, difficult colleagues, and Jim five hours away in
Bellingham. We have a commuting marriage now. Taking on Sharon would make this
an untenable situation.”
Perhaps
I had a misbegotten vision, but I had dreamed of Sharon, intact and happy,
living in sunny California, keeping up her beautiful tan and meeting eligible
men. Anne was part of the fantasy. That gracious lady, an absolute jewel, would
look after my precious sister, and bring her back to health. We could all visit
together once Sharon was restored to normality.
I
made more phone calls with the same message. “You have to take Sharon. Keeping
her here is unthinkable.”
But
Dad was not budging. “You know, I’m not married to her mother.” And then a
final closure. “Don’t call me anymore about this. You heard me. My answer is
no!”
What
a lame excuse… “not married to her mother.” I could not believe he kept
repeating that ridiculous phrase to me. My mind raced with the injustice of it
all.
First,
my father tried to unload my mother on me, and now he’s doing the same thing
with my sister. I vowed last year, in the midst of our family turmoil, that
once we were resettled, I wanted to keep my family calm and happy. How could I
possibly achieve that looking after Sharon?
I
brought her back, all right, dismayed and disgusted with my father’s deceit. I
couldn’t manage her. He deserted us both and abandoned Sharon, the same stunt
he pulled when he left Chicago and retired in California. Our parents simply
left her behind. What kind of parents do that? He expected me to understand
him, but unbelievably, he had no idea what I was going through. He left me
holding the bag, a bag I was terrified to look inside. And he used his second
wife as the reason he couldn’t take care of Sharon. Why me? I knew nothing
about the adult Sharon or how to help her. My nerves were in shreds realizing
that my father made the situation normal for himself, while he, in his words,
threw me to the wolves.
* * *
After
arriving in Chicago for the conference, I encountered a series of mishaps and
disasters. Once the plane landed, I rushed to my hotel, took a quick shower,
registered for the sociology conference and evening festivities, and located
Sharon’s apartment on the near North Side. My plan was to visit her the
following day when we were both fresh and rested.
On a
bitterly cold December day, I hastily grabbed a cab to Sharon’s apartment, some
considerable dollars away from my hotel, knocked on her dingy apartment door,
jumping from one foot to another to warm up. No answer. I took a quick taxi
back and read my carefully crafted research paper to a yawning audience.
Feeling defeated, I rushed again to her apartment. Silence. The door remained
shut tight against me.
Time
seeped away. I felt anguished that I had taken on this clearly impossible job,
while trying to set up a new home, build my career, and seek tenure in an urban
university. The kids needed me to help them put down roots in their new schools
and neighborhood, and to support the teenagers in their search for part-time
jobs. The biggest hurdle turned out to be negotiating family time together on
weekends. Jim and I faced the looming prospect of bringing the two parts of our
fragmented family together on infrequent weekends and holidays.
It
did seem crazy to take this long-distance position in Portland. Jim and I took
turns commuting from his base in Bellingham, Washington, but as an administrator,
his free time was extremely limited. In the beginning, Jim did the commuting
because traveling with the children complicated our situation. After I moved
the children to Bellingham and got an apartment, it was my turn to do the
commuting.
Keynote:
A swirling memoir from retired sociologist Dr. Nanette Davis gives readers a vulnerable narrative reflecting on care-giving and treatments of her mentally-ill sister and son.
BOOK ENDORSEMENTS
Dr. Davis
has written a courageous book. Her
willingness to be open and vulnerable, revealing her childhood experiences
growing up in a family burdened with mental illness and alcoholism, and later
as a mother raising a mentally ill son, have given us a glimpse into the
devastation mental illness wreaks on a family.
Ultimately, as she takes us on this journey with her, she brings us back
to what’s most important of all—love.
Gloria Harrison, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist
In this
heartbreaking, yet heartwarming, book, Nanette Davis shares her experiences
caring for a mentally ill sister and son, some encounters predictable, others
surprising. Caregiving Sharon, while married, raising a family of six children,
and working full time, Nanette confronted the fact that her son, Mike, had
begun to demonstrate traits of mental illness, that was not adolescent
acting-out behavior. Her accomplishments in dealing with life’s overwhelming
expectations make for riveting reading. Mental health professionals as well as
families with their own “Sharons” and “Mikes” will find much to instruct and
inspire them.
Suzanne
L. Krogh, Ph.D.
Professor of Childhood Education
Raging
Currents is a
powerful, important book. It’s a “must read” not only for families and people
struggling with these issues but also for health professionals, mental health
workers, and all who care about mental health issues in our society. Dr. Davis
offers how-to-strategies for navigating the health care system and coping with
two mentally ill loved ones, as well as criticisms of our current mental health
programs.
Lynne Masland, Ph.D.
A Century of Challenge and Change: Whatcom
Women and the YWCA
In Raging
Currents, Nanette Davis has gifted us with candid and loving insight into
the challenges of caring for a severely mentally-ill sister and son, while
holding a family with five other children together, and working full time. She
models courage and strength and delivers a realistic picture.
Skye Burn Productions LLC
In this
personal memoir, Raging Currents, Nanette Davis writes in intimate
detail about her personal odyssey as caregiver for two loved ones: Sharon, who
“lived a life tormented by self-loss,” and a son, struggling to develop an
identity. In this candid narrative, we experience Nanette’s perseverance over
many years in seeking help and providing care for her sister’s schizophrenia
and son’s bipolar disease, despite family denial and the lack of support from
the mental healthcare system. This story is a gift to anyone living with or
knowing someone suffering from mental illness, impressing us on how love and
persistence conquer all.
Nancy Canyon
Author of Struck, Saltwater, and Dark Forest
Caregiving our mentally ill loved ones can be one of the loneliest jobs in the world--and one of the most stressful. Stigma pervades mental illness and contributes to labeling those who suffer from it as less than fully human. Admittedly, we've got a tough road to vanquish the myth, but we can do something about lessening our own stress. Acknowledge to yourself and others your caregiving role. Be honest with yourself. You've taken on a super task: loving and caring for a loved one whose illness may have extreme behavioral issues. Do what it takes to be informed, but above all, reach out to stop that stress-burnout cycle of isolation, exhaustion, and collapse.
According to Alexander Drane (ARCHANGELS CEO), labeling yourself as a caregiver for a mentally ill loved enables you to
a. Receive credit for it.
b. Gain support from family members and friends.
c. Cultivate a language of care.
d. Locate supportive resources.
When others recognize the important work you're doing, you will likely receive an outpouring of sympathy and a recognition that we're all in the same boat together.
Gaining support from family and friends is critical to ease your burden of care. Let people know how they can help, from simple tasks, such as phone calls or fixing a meal to complex assistance, like finding the right therapist for your loved one.
Cultivate the language of care (see Post below). Joining a support group can yield positive results and allows you to hear how experienced caregivers talk about their situation. This also offers another opportunity to share your story and learn from the stories of others.
Locating supportive resources could begin with contacting your local National Alliance for the Mental Ill (NAMI), an organization for both caregivers and your mentally ill loved one. Share your burden, but also your accomplishments. Let other caregivers know how you assisted your loved one in money management, finding a therapist, navigating legal aid, or coordinating a demanding schedule.
We can add one additional feature of stress reduction: practice self-compassion. Who better deserves to give love than one whose heart overflows to others? Self-compassion is nothing more or less than acknowledging your caregiving, accepting your limitations as human, seeing yourself as a good person, and reconciling any difficulties by reaching out for professional help. By accepting self-compassion into our lives, we invite the gift of the “power of the pause”—bringing intentional awareness to the moment, allowing freedom from the tyranny of reactivity. Self-compassion is an invaluable tool for being more of your best self each day. This experience is a way to notice that each moment is an opportunity to be self-forgiving, and more expansive to others in your world.